just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
