I think I won the penis lottery.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
