I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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