I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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