I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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