I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
