I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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