Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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