listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
