this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
