Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
