Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
