He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Non-Jews are for practice
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
