I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
