We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
