Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
