No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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