i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
