Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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