I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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