those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
