I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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