Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
