do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
