My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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