Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
