he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
