My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
