and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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