just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
