glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im having a threesome with these popsicles
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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