He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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