whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
