naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
