My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
