The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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