A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
