i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Are we still banned from the library?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
