last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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