Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
