I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
