i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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