Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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