fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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