he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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