At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
