Whatcha textin bout Willis?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
