Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
