is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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