He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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