I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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