Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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